Vivien's Vault Home|Vivien's Harry Potter Fanfiction|Regaining Index

Regaining by Vivien

Chapter 3: Reluctance
Reluctance - 1. a not wanting to do or to agree to something
Written from November 2001 to March 2002

On the last day Hermione had been in hospital, the Headmaster had spoken with her privately once more. It had been only a week since that day in Hogsmeade, and she was still stunned by the thought of what had happened. Once she had gotten enough rest to begin the semblance of rational thought, the realization that she might have lost a significant portion of her magical powers was horrifying. Dumbledore had let her know as gently as possible that news of what had been done to her would cause panic in the wizarding world, and he cautioned her about even telling Harry and Ron too many details. He was looking to her to use the strength and courage that made her a Gryffindor to battle this tragedy.

Then he had given her the absolute worse news - Snape was to be the one to help with her recovery. Snape had always been quite horrid to her (except for the fleeting moment when she woke up that night in the hospital wing, and even then she couldn't be sure that wasn't her imagination). She knew he was on "their side" of the war, but that didn't make her want to spend two extra hours a week alone with him in his dungeon classroom. 'Why on earth couldn't Professor McGonagle be helping me?' she complained to herself, 'or Dumbledore himself for that matter? Snape will probably take points away from me if I can't get my spells to work.'

Alone in her bedroom the night after coming back to Gryffindor tower, she had cried long and bitterly after trying several spells which had been as easy as breathing before. None of them had worked well, and performing them had left her with a vicious headache. She waited a few days before she could bear telling Ron and Harry anything. They had been walking with her around the grounds. She was trying to build her strength back before she was to resume partial classes. She waited until they were far enough away to ensure their privacy, and then she told them as matter of factly as possible what she was now facing. She understood why Dumbledore had asked her to be cautious, but she could have never kept this secret from her two best friends.

"How?" cried Ron, "How could a poison do this to you? Doesn't Dumbledore know what to do?"

"I don't know how, Ron, " she said, "And to tell you the truth, I don't think this is something even Dumbledore knows much about."

Harry hugged her. "Hermione, we'll help you through this. There has to be something that we can do to get your powers back. I'll practice with you, and we can do homework together."

"I'm not Neville," she said sharply.

"I know that, Hermione," he said gently, "but you'll need help now. I'm more sorry than you can imagine that this happened, but we'll be there for you."

"Maybe we should research this in the library," said Ron, trying to be cheerful. He put his arm around her shoulder.

Tears were pricking up in her eyes, and she felt her face go hot with the effort of holding them back. The boys said nothing, but they moved in closer to her, comforting her silently. "And now I have to go see Snape twice a week. Dumbledore said he was the only one who could help me." Nothing could hold the tears back now.

"What?" said Ron incredulously, "You have to see him? What do you mean?"

"I.. I have to go to his classroom for-for two hours a week, " she said in between sobs. "He's supposed to help me b-build up my magic, if I can, and he's working on new p-potions for me to take."

"We'll go with you," said Harry firmly.

"Yeah, " replied Ron, "Then the bastard won't be able to slip you something to make you worse"

"Oh honestly, Ron, " she said testily, "He's on our side. I just don't look forward to spending the extra time doing... whatever I'm going to have to do. I'm going to be so behind in my class work. If my grades go down then I might not get into the Auror training program like we'd planned. And...and I don't want to be like N-Neville." She began crying full force again.

Ron conjured a handkerchief. "Here now, you're getting your robes soaking wet."

"It's going to be all right, Hermione," said Harry. "It has to be."

"We are the Unstoppable Three after all, " said Ron.

Hermione laughed a bit at that. She dried her face and looked at her friends. A tiny feeling of hope bloomed inside her. "I feel a little better now," she said, still sniffing. "Just telling you what's been on my mind helped. And I'm sure the special classes with Snape won't be as dire as I fear. Dumbledore has always trusted him, and he does know a lot about potions. He might be nicer with just one student than with a whole class."

"Or he might be worse with only you to pick on," scowled Ron. "I say we go with her."

"No," said Hermione. "I'll be all right." She had suddenly realized that she didn't want them to see how bad off she might be. It would be too upsetting to see her alarm reflected in their eyes. "Besides, Snape would probably just take more points off you two for standing up for me. I can talk to Dumbledore about it if it's that bad. Listen, can we start back? I'm getting rather tired. As usual."

"Sure, Hermione," said Harry. "Please, though, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I have my Drying charm down pat now." He smiled at her, and she felt the heaviness in her chest lessen somewhat.

Ron replied, "And I have an endless supply of hankies just for you." He held out an arm for her to take. She smiled, took his arm, and they walked back to the castle.

The following Monday was her first day back to partial classes. She was only going to three classes this week. Arithmancy and Care of Magical Creatures started Monday, and she would resume Herbology Tuesday. For once, she was the subject of whispers throughout the corridors instead of Harry. The official word was that she had in fact been poisoned and had been gravely ill, and she would slowly be regaining her health. She had been off from classes a full week after leaving hospital. Even though she had spent most of that time resting, she was still exhausted beyond belief. She was also in a quite unpleasant and despairing mood most of the time despite Harry and Ron's efforts to cheer her and support her.

Much to her dismay, Snape had notified her that their meeting times were to be on Mondays and Thursdays. By the time she finished the two classes of the day, she was tired enough without the prospect of that unpleasantness still ahead of her. She had needed a long nap after lunch. Care of Magical Creatures had been nightmarish. This term the class was taking care of Scorpion Squirrels - bright yellow balls of fluff that would have been adorable but for the sharp pincers and stinging tail. Hermione's Squirrel had been quite miffed about her absence and was being most difficult to control.

To make matters worse, Draco Malfoy had taken the opportunity to come over and whisper unctuously in her ear, "How's your head, Mudblood?" He had snickered knowingly, filling her with rage and a sickening helplessness. Hagrid was being overly kind to her, which she knew was meant well, but which began to annoy her almost instantly.

Arithmancy had been a relief, even though she couldn't help noticing Professor Vector did not call on her as often as usual. Still, though, sinking into the numbers and patterns of the lesson made her feel a little better. At least her brain would still work well, even if her magic wouldn't.

The other Gryffindors were treating her like she was made of glass and the wrong words might shatter her to pieces. They would soothe her with kind and encouraging words and then change the subject to Quidditch or the N.E.W.TS. or homework horrors. At least when she was alone with Harry and Ron, she could rant and rail and cry on their shoulders. But even with them, she felt a bit distanced by her moodiness. She worried they would get tired of her constantly dumping her raw feelings on them and start exchanging looks and changing the subject as well.

By the time she had made her way up to her dormitory, what she wanted most in the world was to just sleep until dinner, but she knew she was expected in the Potions classroom at 4:00. She was feeling quite sorry for herself and quite angry by the time she woke up and trudged down to the dungeons. When she walked into Snape's classroom, she had never in her life felt less like pleasing a teacher.

Back|Next|Review